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Coming Out


lesbian

When you are a young homosexual life is extremely hard. When I say young, I mean adolescent in high school. Being that I was in private school the majority of my life I never knew what homosexual meant, ever. I only knew how I felt, and although how I felt was never acted on until my sexual tendencies grew, since no one ever told me otherwise I never thought it as wrong.


So then comes puberty and sixth grade. Lucky me I had an experimental best friend that was all about me and us 'per se. I knew I wanted her and any thing relating to the female species that made me feel like that. I played the straight card though middle school as you are supposed to, but in eight grade I started to joke about transvestites. You see, I thought transvestite was the word for homosexual, if that tells you how dumb I was to the ideal.

Basically, I feel as though I am proof of pure innocence into the homosexual nature. I had no idea what homosexual really meant, and as per the Christian way every type of love at 14 was illegal. Yet here I was at 12 making out with my best friend??? For practice of course, and I loved every second of it.
The odd thing is I went through all of middle school, i.e. private school never having to worry about what sexuality meant. Then comes high school. Late teens, puberty, high school, cliques, and everything else that comes along with that period of life is horrendous. Trying to understand why I was the way I was did not fit in to that time in my life. It was unheard of for two girls to be intimate. I subjected myself to the straight ordeal to fit in, but it seemed as though everyone else around me knew better than I did as to who I was. In the south, Orlando, FL to be exact; was not the best place to grow up gay.
I personally don't think any high school is great to grow up gay because parents, teachers, fellow students, and even yourself is so out of touch as to what you are, I mean your 15 for gods sake, how the hell do you know anything for sure.

I'm not saying that the youths of today don't know what thy want, what I am saying is that at 12 I wasn't sure of me yet. I knew I loved women more than men, but what did that mean. In the early 90's it was such a mystery to anyone. I mean, and I hate to say it, but thank god for MTV because I would have had no idea what gay was. Not to say they were the end all be all, but they helped me explore avenues that were a mystery otherwise. My gay encyclopedia if you will.

So around 17 I had my first girlfriend and it was amazing. What wasn't great was the harassment I received at school. The fear of walking around the halls, going to class, eating lunch, existing at all was hard to deal with every day. High school sucked for me, as I am sure others can relate to. Here I am though, a survivor. Killing myself was never an option because I loved me. I dug life and all that it came with, and yes it sucked for a damn long time. Yet it can only improve when you know what you want.
After high school and all the BS that followed it I went to community college and lived my life. I never let school rule me or make me develop insecurities. I had academia and then my social life. I loved women and I'm a skirt chaser, point blank. I never let football players or assholes interfere with my schooling ever again. My private life was private and I have graduated from one of the top design schools in the nation with an impressive GPA. How? Well like I said the miss', whoever she may have been at the time, and me never interfered with my schooling. I decided that I had to create this prioritized lifestyle. Girlfriends come and go, but school is here to educate me for the long term. I couldn't sacrifice my future for a good lay, or even young love. You have to make tough decisions I feel as a young homosexual. Decisions that, in my opinion, heterosexuals never really ever have to worry about.
I may have the wrong idea, as I know all teenagers have issues. However, I do know for a fact that I was shunned my senior year for being an out lesbian, inadvertently I might add, plus I was let go of the basketball team!?!?!? I went from a yearbook full of signatures, to one my senior year. Just one. For my lifestyle I never wanted public because I was still figuring it out myself! As we all know sometimes family isn't all that much help either.

What I can say is that pick the right friends for your real life. All to often we get caught up in people that truly don't care about the real 'you'. Let it go and bee free of the struggle. Live and learn about you everyday, even if that means down the road you change your mind. Just realize its okay to be whomever you are.

Tags: coming out, gay teen

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